Finding Myself

The last time I really wrote on this blog was years ago.

One of the goals that I have had for the last few years was to get back into writing again. It’s been a real struggle! I mean, even now when people ask me what I love to do, writing is never too far down my list. But the minute I mention it, that sinking feeling of dishonesty kicks in. You know? Anyway, here I am. Trying to be a more honest person.

Before I started writing this blog post, I attempted to look for the last post that I really really wrote, and after going back nearly five years, I still had not found one. Its been five whole years. So, what’s been up? What have I been up to?

The biggest thing, I would say is that I found myself. I have gone through a huge amount of … stuff in the last few years. Some things were happy, and some things were not so happy. But the result was that I found myself. I feel much more sure of who I am and what I want.

I hope to write about some of my more interesting experiences some day, but for now I’m going to talk about what has been the biggest revelation to me thus far.

Now, for those of you who are keeping count (which is none of you), back when I was in school I used to think I was a pretty smart guy. You know that guy with good grades and a slightly obnoxious overconfident attitude? That was me. Then life kicked me in the ass and just simply humbled me. Seriously humbled me.

To the point where I was constantly plagued by thoughts of inadequacy and self doubt. Constant gnawing thoughts of “what the f am I going to do with my life? I am not truly good at anything”. Stephen Fry might as well have been talking about me when he said:

“One of the traps of adolescence is the sort of paranoid resentment that, somehow, you are never going to match up…and that everybody else’s life is going to be better, and finer, and fuller. That everyone else attended some secret lesson in which “How to Live” was taught and you had a dental appointment that day, or you were somehow not invited.”

I used to spend a lot of time reading articles/books with titles such as “How to find your life’s mission”. Is there anyone out there who did or is doing this? I do not know if I have now truly found my mission, but I no longer seek out such articles or books.

What changed? What did I do to get out of that downward spiral? I’m afraid I do not have anything clever to say. I was stuck at what seemed like a dead end for years, greatly frustrated that I was wasting away. I guess about the only thing that I can think back on fondly is that I was always trying something new. Whenever I had an idea or an urge I always pursued it as faithfully as possible. And God knows I have done a ton of things in my life so far – and I’ve got stories, if you care to ask.

Anyway, my point is that if I had a child who was asking me what they need to do to get out of a dead end and downward-spiraling life, the only thing that I would be able to tell them honestly is to go out there and never stop trying. Even when life beats you down continually – which is almost guaranteed. That’s what I did, anyway. That’s what I am still doing.

Along the way I tried programming and found out that I love it. Totally and completely. If I was not writing code, I would be dead or in prison. This is what I was meant to do and I try and get better at it every single day. I did not actually study programming or even anything to do with computers in university so my road has been a little harder than it could have been. But I’m not complaining.

A year or two ago I was dumped by a lovely lady who I was trying to woo (such strange word – amiright?). I was telling her what I have since come to truly believe in:

I do not want to be president. I don’t want to be a world famous CEO. I want none of that fancy stuff. I just want a simple comfortable life in which every day I can afford to do only the things that I love.

Well, she dumped me as soon as I finished saying that. I was not “ambitious” enough for her. That stung for months!

But that’s me. That’s who I am these days.